Saturday, March 20, 2010

Too tired to know what to do

I finally realized last week that for several months I have been working outside my strengths. When I was home in the States last year, I spent a lot of time in prayer asking the Lord what he wanted me to do when we returned to Niger. I have not been real happy for quite some time in my current role. It wasn't until last week that a light bulb went on for me. We were sitting in our leadership team looking at our personality profiles--ESFJ and I looked at the description once again--likes order, enjoys organizing events and people! And I said "This is not me." I have had to do this in order to do this job but this is not me! I looked at the ESFP--exuberant lovers of life. They live in the moment and find enjoyment in people, food, clothes, animals, the natural world, and activities. " And I said, that is me, but I have been having to work as an ESFJ. I am doing a lot of stuff that I don't enjoy doing but I don't feel that I am good at. It is time to start thinking of a change.

As I looked at the list of what an ESFP is good at--peacemaking, mobilizing people in a crisis (I've always had a good head on my shoulders and my years of experience as a social worker taught me a lot about handling crisis situations!) I tend to be very resourceful. If you are looking for something and don't know where to find it ask me I might just know where to get it! Or I will know someone who does because I have a vast network of friends! I enjoy meeting people--Today I overheard someone say they were from Madagascar and I struck up a conversation with him and found out he was a Christian. I love finding out about different cultures and meeting people who are also strangers in this strange country.

I have just come through a very difficult time in my work and ministry. I have never been as discouraged as I have been recently. Through situation after situation I have felt we were under spiritual attack. I have never seen my husband so stressed as he has been recently and that bothers me a lot. I have been carrying his burden even though I can't fix the problem. One of the things that I have admired about my husband has always been his level of integrity! Translating God's Word into an African language is not easy and takes a great deal of training to do it right. He has been at this for 10 years! He knows what he is doing so it really bothers me if someone even hints that he doesn't! I get angry because I know how hard he works, how difficult his work is, the many hours he spends on it and I also know he takes seriously his level of committment to God's Word, how it is handled and how God sees the work as well. He doesn't ever compromise God's Word and that is what I admired about him when I first met him. But there have been other issues too that have been difficult for me to handle. There are a few situations that are so complicated that I have not been able to figure them out on my own. I have a tendency to feel that I should have the answers! It is sometimes hard for me to ask for help, but in actuality I don't even know where to turn with some of the situations I have had to handle. I am thankful that I do have a couple of coworkers who have proven very helpful. But I still carry the pain my coworkers feel. When they have difficult situations, sick children, or whatever I carry that pain! I don't have as much a problem with that as I know how to deal with other people's emotional pain, but when it gets combined with planning and project funding, and budgets,etc. that seem to be completely out of my area of expertise or giftedness then I worry about those things!

That's the reason I believe it is time for a change. I can't continue to work in my weaknesses--or trying to do well what is so very difficult for me to understand and to put into practice.
I know the Lord has something very special for me to do and I am seeking his will over the next month!

I want to use my gifts and abilities to bring us into the Lord's presence! I want to help energize and refresh my brothers and sisters. Stay tuned for the next episode as it unfolds! Right now pray with me for God's will and provision to be made evident for my life.

1 comment:

Hannatu said...

Praying for you, Linda. It's no fun being in a job that just doesn't fit you.